In that moment, space of time, he was everything I needed and wanted and he was a challenge. In that moment, he served a purpose, he awakened my desires, my passions, my sexuality. He made me feel alive and not so alone, if only for the precious moments we stole from each other. I believe that everyone that enters our lives, enters for a purpose, either to teach us something new or to challenge our souls.
Every stolen moments is a relationship of one kind of another, even if perhaps that stolen moment is with a married man or soon to be married man then divorced and then with someone else (not me) in my case. And in the moment, I had quite the obsession with the challenge of capturing his heart and making him mine but as he stated several times, he would never date me but I loved fantasizing about him and putting him into stories and day-dreaming of the what-ifs or weaving his fantasies into stories.
But there comes a moment, when the reality doesn’t quite meet the fantasy, the stolen moments when you realize you’ve outgrown this person and he still hasn’t outgrown you but he’s moved on to a new girlfriend (still not you) and its not what you want in life. You don’t want to be the mistress anymore, you don’t want to date younger guys, you want an actual boyfriend or girlfriend in your life, someone who introduces you to their families and brings you to family picnics and things, who is here every night in your bed and only wants to be with you, someone who gets you to your core, that gets the references in your life.
I saw an old friend the other day and wondered when did he get gray hair and get so old and I realized damn, I’m getting older too but he’s not that much older than me, quite sexy and we have lot of things in common and he’s single. My friends have grandkids, we no longer talk about the kids, we talk about the grandkids!
But that’s neither here nor there, the obsession with driving past my house and constantly texting me, is quite annoying and I just didn’t know how to tell you that I’m no longer available to be your mistress. I’m not in the same moment with you anymore.
Our moment has passed, I wish him all the luck/love in the world. I hope he finds what he is looking for – if the person he is with is not giving him what he needs, he needs to move onto to someone that will give him the whole package.
Thank you for bringing me soup when I had a 103 fever, it reminded me of what it would feel like to have a boyfriend. Thank you for making me feel alive and naughty and sexy, reminding me of who I was, for allowing me to love you in though you didn’t love me back, opening up my heart, breaking through those walls, if only for a moment in my life.